Location: Salinas, CA
Age: 40
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"Only two things are infinite--the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." Albert Einstein

"To announce that there must be no criticism of the president, or that we are to stand by the president right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public." Theodore Roosevelt

"I'm not as think as you confused I am." Someone, somewhere, at some time

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Friday, July 21, 2006
It's all so clear now

When I first moved into my current house some 6-7 years ago, the very first thing I did was repaint the bedrooms. Technically, I did it before I moved in. I honestly can't recall exactly what color the bedrooms were, but it was so hideous that I decided I could not spend a single night there without first repainting. In the process of sanding (why, oh why, did the previous moron who owned this hous have to use super high gloss enamel-like paint on everything!?!) I discovered that the rooms had previously been painted a dark hunter green. It seemed odd because, well, dark hunter green in a small bedroom of a tiny house just seemed really out of place. But more importantly, it caught my attention because it was the exact same green as the piece of crap shed in the back yard. It was the exact same green that showed through the half-arsed white paint job of the deck. And it was the exact same green that appeared in a few spots on the outside of the house, where the previous owner missed painting over.

When I re-finished the kitchen a few years ago, I found that exact same dark hunter green underneath the white. It was very apparent that someone in this house's history really liked hunter green. Right now, I'm in the process of repainting the front room, dining room & hallway. I went into the project fully expecting to uncover that same hunter green beneath the really disgusting purple that I've been living with. And you know what I found? If you said that same dark hunter green, you're wrong. But good guess. Actually, I found a somewhat pukey yellow. Not quite a yellow-gold, but trying really hard. And then it hit me . . . they didn't just like green, they were Packers fans! And really, that made perfect sense. Because if they were such huge Packers fans, then it seriously explained why they did so many incredibly stupid and arguably insane things to this house.

Now, before I start getting a bunch of hate mail, I want to make it clear that I do not consider all Packers fans to be stupid or insane. Actually, since I don't follow football at all, I don't think any more or less of any team's fans. But let's face it . . . anyone who decorates their entire house in the "team colors" must've played a few too many games without a helmet. And as if that wasn't bad enough, anyone who decorates their house in the "team colors" in this city had damn well better be using black & silver. People around here are Raiders nuts. And I do mean nuts. If the Raiders do well, there's a riot. If they do poorly, there's a riot. If the Raiders play a game where there is some form of outcome, there's a riot. So, it's patently obvious that anyone who would decorate their house in the Packers colors in this city must be clinically insane. And all of a sudden, it all makes sense. No wonder they made absolutely no attempt at waterproofing the shower tiling. No wonder they used the cheapest, flimsiest, interior-only door for the side yard access entry. No wonder they installed a bedroom door backwards, then decided to chizel new hinge indents and install a steel plate as a hokey catch, rather than simply reverse the frame to its intended position. No wonder the plumbing is in such chaos that it has literally caused 2 plumbers and a home inspector to stop & stare in disbelief. No wonder the front door is crooked. And no wonder they almost always used 3 different kinds of screws, 2 sizes of nuts & bolts, plus nails to attach anything, rather than keeping it simple & standardizing.

Really, it's probably a wonder the house even survived their ownership.

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